Red Tide At Morning…

imageThe old seafarer’s tale goes, “Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky at morning, sailor’s warning.” I doubt the “delight” part in any way applies for red “tides” as opposed to “skies,” but my mind feels red and it definitely arrived in more tidal than celestial form. Stealing in like a thief, gleaming redder with each ebb of thought until it colored them all crimson.

What the fuck do I mean by that? I’m not one hundred percent certain. I don’t mean I feel anger, the emotion most commonly associated with red. More like raw, open, hot to the touch— or stinging like the insidious microorganisms that form a real red tide. Maybe I actually feel like a microorganism. Invisible yet malignant. Fecund. Festering…with pent-up mental waste and physical drain. I feel useless but see no reason to put myself to use. Nor does the future seem to hold anything to look forward to. Without the latter, even if it’s something small and trivial, I find myself plunged into depths of Dostoevskyian despair that make Anne Sexton poems seem like inspirational anecdotes from that loathesome “Chicken Soup For The Soul” series.

Does anyone else out there feel this way? Stuck between self awareness and somehow getting to the place of its real-world manifestations? Problems we complain about despite consciousness of their obvious solutions, because those solutions seem so monumentally impossible (in spite of their simplicity and ease of completion for quote-unquote normal people)?

I keep inexplicably waking up at 4:30am and not being able to fall back asleep. I watch where the Hudson River sips at the lip of Jersey and wait while where they kiss turns from black to gray to dawn blue. All other colors I feel at varying times in my days. But this morning, the red tide is here, and I’m a shore girl at heart: I always heed a sailor’s warning.

x Juliet, awake under the sheets

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Red Tide At Morning…

  1. Yep. I especially felt this way back wheb I was a self-help junkie and would collect all these articles on selfareness and depression and mental health and then end up doing so less about it

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry you’ve also felt this way. I did that for a time, too, but yeah, it mostly made it worse. I find the only things that really help are writing, art, exercise, pets. But not always, unfortunately. Thanks for reading my blog!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Pets are great! I have become a crazy cat lady I guess, now that I got two new kittens. That makes three cats and a giant 135-lb gentle giant of a dog.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In answer to your question….yes, I’ve been there and I can vividly imagine what you are going through. Writing is a major saving grace for me as well…I need to write–well, because it’s in my soul–but, I’ve also figured out that I can use my flair to write about the challenges inherent in the growth process–and the human condition. However, as with learning a new language, one can understand before being able to speak it…and it can be utterly demoralizing to want to wax poetic when you only have a rudimentary grasp of the language of life. I loved your offering…thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ” Problems we complain about despite consciousness of their obvious solutions” … housework, need for a haircut, broken window screen, too many emails in my inbox, just to name a few. I have a file on my computer called Brain Dump where I go to just let it all out when my mind gets overwhelmed thinking about all of the things on my to do list, many of them that only take a brief 15 minutes of my life to be able to get them off the damn list, or at least progressing towards that, ie calling my hairdresser. Thanks for this share. It actually motivated me to go get one of them done – the emails. Felt good to hit delete so many times. Marianne

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s awesome I do the same thing, although I call it a ‘thought dump’.
      Getting things done is what my blog is all about please check it out and let me know what you think.
      365dobblog.wordpress.com

      Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s good to know others feel this way. It helps people to realized we are not alone with these feelings. It helps me to know I am not alone. I encourage you to continue on and remember to trim your mainsheet in strong headwinds, thats your job and its definitely not useless.

    Liked by 3 people

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